Monday Matters: Thinking About Divorce? 10 Questions to Ask Yourself First
One of the most common questions I receive as a family law attorney isn’t about court, custody, or property division. It’s much simpler—and much harder.
It’s a question I cannot answer, “Is it time to get a divorce?”
Why the Decision to Divorce is So Difficult
The truth is that most people do not wake up one morning and suddenly decide to get divorced. More often, divorce is the result of months or years of reflection, difficult conversations, disappointment, hope, frustration, and attempts to make things work.
Over the course of my legal career, I’ve spoken with hundreds of individuals who were trying to determine their next step. Some were simply gathering information. Some were overwhelmed and reacting to a recent event. Others had reached a point of clarity and were ready to move forward.
As attorneys, we cannot make this decision for you—and we shouldn’t. The decision to end a marriage is deeply personal. But what we can do is help you organize your thoughts, understand your options, and evaluate the reality of your situation.
For this week’s #MondayMatters, I wanted to revisit one of the most important conversations I have with prospective clients: the decision itself.
Before you decide whether to stay, leave, file, pause, or seek counseling here are:
Ten Questions to Ask Before Filing For Divorce
1. How long have I been feeling this way?
Is this a temporary response to a recent event or argument, or have these feelings been present for months—or even years? Understanding whether your concerns are situational or part of a larger pattern can provide valuable clarity. People often don’t realize they are unhappy because they may have been unhappy for so long it may not seem like happiness is available. Except it is.
2. Have we genuinely tried to address the issues in our marriage?
Whether through counseling, honest conversations, individual therapy, or other efforts, it’s important to ask whether meaningful attempts have been made to improve the relationship. If there have been meaningful attempts and those attempts have been unsuccessful, it may be time to think about divorce.
3. Is there a pattern of behavior that continues despite repeated discussions?
Many marriages experience challenges. That’s common for marriage. However, recurring issues involving trust, communication, finances, addiction, dishonesty, disrespect, or emotional disconnection often deserve closer examination. Some situations do not get better.
4. If my spouse made meaningful changes, would I still want to stay?
Sometimes the issue is not whether your spouse can change—it’s whether the relationship can recover even despite those changes. Some things are unacceptable, such as violence or abuse. Be honest with yourself about what would need to happen and what you are willing to accept.
5. Do I feel emotionally, physically, and financially safe in this relationship?
If there are concerns involving domestic violence, coercive control, substance abuse, financial manipulation, or behavior that threatens your wellbeing or the wellbeing of your children, those concerns should be taken seriously. Orders of protection exist for a reason in the court system. You and your children should be safe.
6. If children are involved, what environment am I modeling for them?
Children learn from what they observe. I have heard many people say they are staying for the children, except – the environment for the children is not necessarily the best. Blended families are more common than not common and it’s worth it for the mental safety of the children to consider your options. Consider whether your current relationship demonstrates the values, communication, and respect you hope they will experience in their own relationships one day.
7. Have I taken the time to understand the legal and financial realities of divorce?
Many people spend months thinking about divorce without understanding how issues such as property division, parenting time, child custody, or child support may affect their future. Information often reduces fear. You may also need a translator to truly understand what is happening.
8. Am I staying because I want to—or because I am afraid to leave?
Fear of the unknown is normal. Fear alone, however, should not be the reason a person remains in a marriage that is no longer healthy or fulfilling. There is always the unknown but when you access your marriage that assessment should include an assessment of self.
9. What does my life realistically look like if I stay? What does it realistically look like if I leave?
Try to move beyond idealized outcomes and face reality. Consider both paths honestly, including the challenges and opportunities each may present. Including if one spouse earns significantly more than the other. We discussed high wage earning women here and plan to explore that topic more. Some that may involve paying spousal support or receiving support.
10. Have I spoken with a trusted professional about my options?
You do not need to have your mind made up before speaking with a family law attorney. Many people consult a divorce lawyer simply to understand their rights, responsibilities, and options before making any final decision. It’s worth it to have an informed attorney who has experience that can help you when you are ready to move forward.
Bonus Question:
Am I making this decision from a place of clarity or a place of pain?
Hurt, anger, disappointment, and frustration are all valid emotions. But life-changing decisions are often best made after the initial emotion has settled and you can clearly evaluate what is happening—not just what happened. Take some time (if it is safe to do so) to assess your situation and determine what your best move should be.
Ready to Talk About Your Options?
The decision to get a divorce is one of the most personal decisions a person can make. Whether you are considering divorce, dealing with issues involving child custody, parenting time, child support, or simply trying to understand your rights under Illinois law, you do not have to navigate the process alone.
At The Law Office of Janice A. Dantes, we help individuals and families move forward with clarity, confidence, and a strategy tailored to their unique circumstances.
If you’re ready to discuss your situation, contact our office today to schedule a consultation. Our phones are always open and you can get a consultation in as soon as 24 business hours. Be sure to join us next week for #MondayMatters, where we’ll discuss one of the most important decisions you’ll make during the divorce process: How to Choose the Right Family Law Attorney. We’ll cover what questions to ask, what red flags to avoid, and how to find legal counsel that is the right fit for your case and your future.
📞 Contact our office today to schedule your consultation and take the first step toward understanding your options.
About the Author
Attorney Andrea M. Harvey serves as Senior Counsel, Business Development & Strategy at Pinay Law. With more than 15 years of legal experience spanning family law, litigation and business strategy Andrea is passionate about helping clients navigate life’s most significant transitions with clarity, confidence, and compassion.
Through her weekly #MondayMatters series, Andrea explores the intersection of law, leadership, business, and life—because some of the most valuable lessons learned in the practice of law extend far beyond the courtroom. Her writing is designed to inform, encourage thoughtful conversation, and provide practical insights drawn from real-world experience.
Disclaimer
The information contained in this article is provided for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Reading this article does not create an attorney-client relationship with The Law Office of Janice A. Dantes or any of its attorneys. Every legal matter is unique and depends on its specific facts and circumstances. Readers should consult with a qualified attorney regarding their individual legal needs before taking any action based on the information discussed in this article.
